New Fiction: A Fairy Tale for Your Enjoyment

Once upon a time, in a very special treatment unit not so far away, ruled a very bad man. He was ugly and narcissistic, and possessed some evil magic which drew people to him and made them believe he was their friend - until it was too late.

Now this evil man loved to have an audience. He loved to expound for hours on his theories of the world, and to indoctrinate his listeners to his beliefs even when they were completely and provably false. He preferred young women in his entourage, or men who lacked self-confidence, or, if possible, that most important testosterone-producing set of organs which interferes with the smooth fit of trousers. Lacking much testosterone himself, the evil man found the way to be the king of the blind (or, more specifically, the king of the testosterone-challenged). In fact, he became so convinced of his might and his power, that he declared himself king of that very special little treatment unit. Behind the barbed wire fence, this little nebish king ruled with an iron fist and a ruthless sword.

What did he do? What didn’t he do? He was not a physician, but declared himself more knowledgeable than any physician. In the Land not so far away, the law had decreed that only a licensed physician could decide which evil prisoner-subjects could be released beyond the barbed wire, and which should remain there forever. King Evil, as we shall call him from here on, for the sake of clarify, decided that he did not like the law. He would bring his own disciples to make these decisions. They would not have to be physicians - they could be anyone. He picked several - a princess, some knights, some ladies-in-waiting - that he could rely upon to tell the grand inquisitors what he, King Evil, wanted to tell them. He wanted to have absolute power over who remained in his captivity and who was released, and he would not let such a small thing as the law interfere with his rule.

His anointed Princess, she of the long legs and long hair, was put in charge of all the knights and ladies. King Evil knew she would do his bidding, because his evil heart had already identified her area of weakness. Princess Rapunzel, we’ll call her in homage to her inappropriate workplace hairstyle, did not understand that bad guys hurt women because they are bad guys. Deep in her heart, she believed that bad guys hurt only women they found sexy and irresistible. King Evil, as a bad guy himself, knew perfectly well what motivates bad guys: the opportunity to hurt other people and show how much power and control they possess. But as part of his power and control trip, he deputized Rapunzel, gave her almost limitless power as long as she did what he wanted (he was able to make her think it was her idea) and then sat back to enjoy the show.

One day the inquisitor informed Evil and Rapunzel, and all the other lords, ladies, serfs (i.e. Psychiatrists), and the rest of the kingdom that one of the prisoner subjects had to go. He decreed that this Young Subject, after spending half his life in captivity, could be released into the community under close supervision by - gasp - soldiers from beyond the barbed wire fence! Quickly, King Evil devised a plan. He knew that Princess Rapunzel needed attention from every man she met, and recently she had been devastated when her long-term affair with one of the knights ended - the knight had been given an ultimatum by his wife and the mother of his two children that if he did not end the affair, the marriage was over. Because this knight recognized that Rapunzel was truly fucked up and not someone to leave your wife for, he accepted his wife’s ultimatum. Therefore, poor Rapunzel was feeling ugly and unloved (never mind her own handsome husband and her two children, her beautiful home and her successful private practice). King Evil could not have been certain of the outcome, but knowing her type, he did what every evil bit of pond scum would do. Rapunzel decreed herself not only the person who would decide whether this Young Subject was “cured,” but also the person who would “treat” him until a cure was achieved. King Evil, as the boss of the very special treatment unit, knew that this arrangement was completely unethical, contraindicated, non-therapeutic, and potentially dangerous. Yet in his role as the evil king, this type of situation made him ecstatic. He enthusiastically permitted Rapunzel to meet with Young Subject weekly, privately, and confidentially.

Rapunzel bloomed. On the scheduled therapy days, she would come to work in ever-shorter skirts and ever-higher heels. When they did not have appointments, she would find reasons to meet with Young Subject. Their therapy sessions became longer and longer, and Rapunzel would emerge from behind the closed doors flushed, with her long locks mussed and a dreamy expression on her face. All the knights and ladies, Prisoner-Subjects, serfs, and various and sundry other citizens figured out what was going on immediately. The buzz spread beyond the barbed wire fence and into the Land Beyond. All of the banished subjects, or the subjects who had escaped, heard about the shenanigans going on behind the gates. Only the grand inquisitor was apparently spared the news, for, upon hearing the glorious testimony of Rapunzel and how “cured” Young Subject had become, the grand inquisitor permitted Young to leave the special unit and go forth into the Land.

One beautiful summer day, one of the guards of the fortress had a rare day off. This being New Jersey - um, I mean, this being the Land - he chose to, as they say, go down the shore. Armed with nothing more lethal than his cell phone and a cooler, the guard was enjoying the beautiful summer weather when he spotted some familiar long locks. Looking closer, he almost urinated upon himself. Rapunzel! And Young Subject! In one of those tonsil-tickling lip-locks that people over thirty generally save for behind closed doors! Amazed, he remained paralyzed for exactly three-tenths of a second, when he recalled that his phone had not only a camera, but video capability as well.

Poor Rapunzel had to resign as princess. She is now in hiding, waiting to have her license to practice psychology revoked. Ironically, Young Subject had not placed all of his eggs in Rapunzel’s basket. Rapunzel was older and supposedly more mature, but any girl would do, really, so he found another former worker-subject from the evil kingdom/special unit. In fact, while he was courting Rapunzel, and while Rapunzel was deciding his fate, he was simultaneously courting this other worker-subject. This other young girl had actually committed a felony: she brought illegal drugs into the fortress and distributed them to the prisoner-subjects while she was a worker-subject. She had been engaged in a turbulent romance with a mentally retarded child molester, and she really wanted to please him. So she brought him drugs and called him from her cell phone a zillion times, and when she was caught, she was almost dead meat. But for some reason, King Evil took pity on her (or didn’t want to be bothered with all the paperwork) so he told her if she resigned, he would not pursue criminal charges (the cover-up being also a felony, but what’s a felony or two between friends?) She left, found a new job, and then rented a nice cozy apartment where she could wait for one of her sex offender-prisoner-subjects to join her.

Young Subject arranged everything. While he was screwing Rapunzel, he was planning to go live with - oh, we’ll call her Goldilocks, to stick with the theme. He left the evil fortress and moved in with Goldi, and then would continue to meet Rapunzel while Goldi was at work. Rapunzel should have been at work, too, but because she was the Princess her time was flexible.

After Rapunzel and Young Subject were spotted at the beach, and Rapunzel fled the evil fortress kingdom in anger (“I can’t take this bullshit!”) Young Subject was stopped by the police one night, while driving in the Land. His car was searched. But guess what - it was not his car - it was Goldilocks’s! And guess what was in that car? (Hint: what did she bring into the fortress?) Uh-huh!! Amazingly, Young Subject was not arrested for having drugs, since it was not his vehicle - but his parole was violated and he was returned to the very special unit to await the next decision of the grand inquisitor. He remains there to this very day.

What have we learned from this story? We have learned that King Evil is in fact, quite evil. We knew it before, and we have many more stories to illustrate his evilness, but I propose to identify a new condition: Sex offending by proxy. In this mental abnormality, the offender, too chicken to actually physically commit an offense, manipulates the people around him into acting out some of his vilest fantasies. As the ultimate supervisor of everyone in that fortress, his job was to know who was too screwed up to work there. Yet he took, and continues to take, great pleasure in identifying women whose lives he can ruin by placing them in proximity with Young Subjects and then letting nature take its course. Women who believe that rape is a crime of being pretty (i.e., women get raped because the men who rape them find them irresistible) should not be working in a sex offender facility. To gleefully observe while people’s lives are ruined is one of the worst acts of sadism I can think of. Yet King Evil continues to rule, hiring more and more vulnerable young women he can manipulate.

So, dear reader, our story must pause here, until the grapevine yields new information. Of course, this story is only a fairy tale, and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. But just imagine if it were true - just imagine if the place where sex offenders get locked up until they are “better” were really run by a sadistic evil psychopath whose father is a registered sex offender . . . Just imagine if dozens of impressionable young psychologists were taught that rape is an act of affection . . . Just imagine if you could bring drugs into the security perimeter without any consequences . . . Just imagine . . .